Dear Rabbi Singer,
When I first joined JDate in late November, I began to see a pattern where I would have great, positive contact with several guys — but they would not ask me out! Or, they would ask me out, but the date or “meet” would not happen.
A meeting would always be discussed, but there were issues of drive time, schedules, etc. Yet, during this time, these guys would call, text, and IM constantly, which would wear me out and frustrate me!
My gut instinct is that if a man is interested in you, he moves towards you. However, the constant communication baffled me because they seemed interested.
Dear Baffled Dater,
Your gut instinct is correct! I don’t mean to sound happy about it, but I do feel good that you understand the most fundamental element that every woman must understand about the men they are hoping to date: when a man is serious about dating you, he will do whatever it takes to do just that. He will want to see you as soon as possible. He will travel to see you. He will call you in advance to set up the date. He will then call you the day after to tell you he had a great time and to ask you out again.
If he’s not doing these things, he’s not serious about dating you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get a kick out of flirting with you, and if that’s what you’re looking for, you’ve hit the jackpot. But if you are looking for a man to have a serious relationship with you, stop enabling these jokers by responding to their meaningless calls, texts and excuses. End your frustration once and for all — find a man who is serious about dating YOU.
Rabbi Arnie Singer offers dating and relationship advice on both of his sites: Jcoach.com and ItoIdo.com. He is the author of From I to I Do: How to Meet, Date and Marry Your Mr. Right.
You seem to be attracting men with commitment issues to the extreme, I mean if a man can’t even make or keep a date what kind of relationship material could he be? I think you need to move on quickly whenever this happens. There are plenty of us out here that would love to take you out…you just need to find us.
I suggest you start by thinking about what these men may have in common besides being hard to get. Look at your profile…is there something there that implies you are not available or serious yourself?
Best of Luck!
Just wanted to say that I’ve seen a good example of both. Connecting well on the first date only to encounter dead silence or limited ambiguous texts after but no further plans.
There was one person who right away texted, called and pursued vigorously after our first date. He was fantastic. Truly what you want to happen. Unfortunately, he was much too young for me!
Rest assured, that when you will find the right person for you, it will be the best feeling in the world!
The Rabbi is correct.
I joined JDate in November as well, and experienced terrible frustration, allowing these men to send me endless emails claiming to be excited, exuberant, etc., my supplying a phone number , and end result was that a few called, but despite lengthy conversations they never managed to meet me.
It was suggested to me that many men were playing the field, dating multiple women at the same time. It all ended in my feeling these were exercises in frustration and rejection.
Today I had a date with a man who did not waste time, called me up, met me right away, we actually spent the day together, and it was the first time since my divorce that I found myself with a man who appears to be genuinely interested in ME. I am cautiously optimistic, because only time will tell.
As women we must not sell ourselves short. The Rabbi is right on the money!
“I believe in love”
how did it work out. Give us a three year update
It seems I’ve been experiencing this as well. As far as men who are “playing the field” I think it’s ok to just DATE people- obviously how are we to find “the one” if we don’t meet some new people…? “Sleeping around” is a different story altogether. Once you are at the point that you want to experience such closeness with one person you shouldn’t want to date others.. You can’t always know right away if the person is right for you, but it definitely is frustrating when you get “texted”, and sometimes get a call etc. and nothing comes of it… As a guy friend told me, he has been dating 6 women at once, (I called him a dog LOl) He also said “I am a man and if I want you I go and get you…” but his goal IS to find one to have a relationship with and that’s how he is narrowing it down… he says he has a front runner. I am somewhat courageous and might at some point call a man on his tendencies to just text and not set up anything … just to get it out in the open…Good luck to all!!!
Rabbi…. Been on jdate over two years and it seems the norm for NYC is to not make plans until the last minute and then ask the girl where to meet. The guys on the site are lame. Why do they even bother?
RE: Your reply to “Baffled”. I do not think you understand ‘online dating’. The men showing interest to MEET, maybe learned more about her which discouraged them. Women must reciprocate initial interest if they want to online date. Many require a distance to meet and most turn up to be disappointments. Your advice to her will limit her opportunities. She should review what she does or maybe should do in the communication. The MORE prior communication, the better, as most MEETS never turn into a real date. The more experience she gets the better.
Hi I really enjoy what you say about meeting,you have reason,
I think the same about ,
Update from Baffled:
I had 4 dates this week and have another one set for next week (all different guys). My dating experiences have definitely turned around. What did I do differently? Nothing except not waste my time on jokers (guys who waste time and do not ask out). I do pay attention to my inbox and send out emails making contact when a profile interests me. I have also edited my profile but not to a great degree; same pictures. When texting or on the phone with the other party, I keep the conversation going in a way that asks the question, “When will we meet?” For many guys it’s automatic and they will drive an hour to meet, buy dinner and drinks; it’s a real date. For others, nothing happens. Go figure. Humanity.
I’ve also had great interaction and fun with guys from other parts of the nation. Although it’s unlikely we will meet, friendships have developed and we share our dating experiences. This has been enjoyable.
STORY OF MY LIFE!! I am in the same boat and completely over it. It seems like all the guys on this site just want to mess around and not anything serious. I have been on so many dates and its all the same BS!
Yes I had contact with a man who knew where I lived and asked for my phone number as he had “lots of questions for me” and we had a nice chat, then suddenly he said he had to get off the phone to take care of something (???)and then when I sent him an e-mail saying that I enjoyed our chat, he said that I lived too far away, an hour’s drive (something he had to know in the first place)so there was not much point to going any further.
I have been with a man I met on jdate for well over a year. We both are widows. I am 65 and he is almost 75. We have been having a wonderful time. However he never came off the site. He has been on jdate for over 7 years. Last week he told me he wanted to see a woman he had met on the site. They had had lunch and he wanted to arrange another date. Before we were together he must have had 1-2 dates with so many women including 2 friends of mine. Also he says that he is 70. He is 75. So I threw him out. Any comments on this kind of online addict.
Ladies: whenever you are inclined to excuse or gloss over such behavior, I ask you to say “OBAMA!” Even though the President is running the free world, you better believe that he has time to call and/or dine with Michelle daily! No more excuses! Move on.
Well all you ladies out there, though l havent had too much succes with online dating, l have been given some words of advice from a relationship councellor
1. Dont chase them
2. You must appear all the time to be busy. And will try to fit him into your schedule.
3. Dont ever buy him anything!!
4. Speak softly.
5. Show your inner feelings to him. This will make him trust you and open up to you.
6. Remember this always – you are the PRIZE and it is for him to chase after you.
I’m here with some problem. I met this guy online and we started chatting for 9 months. And we discussed to meet in person. So after 4 months of chatting he said he’ll meet me but he got busy and he told me he can meet me after 4 months and he got busy again and he told me he can meet after 3 months. But he got busy again. I feel very frustrated and told him that I have feelings for him and really hoped to see him. But I feel like I’m kinda not important to him. And he said he’s very serious about me. He really wants to meet me. He says he’ll meet me after 3 more months and it’s for sure. He sent me a bday card with his pics and on valentine’s day too. He is reluctant to videochat or phone calls bcuz there’s 3 am by his time and by my time is afternoon. Please give me some advice Thank you.
Oh also even he was reluctant we did few videochats and one phone call. I initiated all this. He’s in his 50s and I’m late 30s. So I’m confused. I don’t know what to think or do. I like this guy. But I’m a little bit concerned about his very busy schedule. I start to doubt. Maybe he has a girlfriend or even live with someone. We live in different countries. He’s in USA and I’m in central Asia. So it’s very far. I asked him if he’s ok with that and he said “no problem, we can meet in Thailand”. He was there several times and know the vibe. For the 3rd time he said he got very busy. I guess he works a lot or he has not enough money to travel for right now. Any advice? Coz I feel not sure. Thank you 🙂
I have a question I have this friend and he wanted to hang out two weeks ago but he never confirmed the plans with me so then he sends me an email saying that he has been cheating on me with his homework and if I wanted to go bowling hang out n maybe go dancing the upcoming saturday so the day after I said we can tall about it face to face but I’m ok with bowling and hanging out. So it’s Saturday no followup nothing my phone is off so he communicates with me on other media but he still didn’t let me know for sure. I’m not the one who is suppose to followup on the day we are suppose to go out he is. Any other suggestions on how to deal with this stupid ignorant crap bc this is twice and he swear up and down he still want to spend tI’m with me and I’m his boo. Ugh. I decided to just ignore him and find someone st my college who is mature enough to know how to date plus I’m not sure but my women inintuition telling me he might have to his babymama he was goin out and she all of a sudden needed him to watch the kids. Like I said any other advice is welcome. I’m 34 I haven’t had a date n years bc the next person I date will be my husband.