As my self-imposed Subway® diet completed its third month of being a thing, I decided to spend my birthday dinner at a hot dog place that serves no sandwich in sub form. I figured since I’ve lost about sixty pounds, I could afford to gain 20-40 lbs over the course of one night.

The operation was successful. I started dinner with a coke that wasn’t at all diet. I drank an entire can before my meal even came. Unbelievable. When the meal came, it was even bigger and hot-doggier than I had ever imagined. On top of that, literally, was chili, Fritos®, and onions. You may, as I did, initially think that the chili would cause the dog to be impossible to eat without silverware. You would be completely wrong. It was perfect. The bun was large enough to handle a dog overflowing with flavor and ingredients.

In attendance, aside from myself, were my parents, grandparents, and a couple of close friends. Two of the three friends there were female. Both of them are extremely attractive, which made my entire family wistful. Maybe it’s wishful. I think it’s wishful. Either way, they were both of those things. I know my parents were wondering why I wasn’t dating either of them, and it made me think of how horribly awkward it would be if I asked either of them out. This is especially true for the one who’s in a relationship. But really, I can’t ask either of them out because not only would they say, “no,” but also they’re my only friends in Houston, and I need them.

Subway starts again tomorrow.