1.  Yes, we like to argue, but a lot of us like peace at home after a long day of arguing at the office.

A lot of lady lawyers report little arguing at home because they’re just so tired after a day spent debating (and possibly raising voices) with opposing counsel, judges, and clients. They place a high premium on calm. This can be true even of lady lawyers who are dating or married to male lawyers!

2.  Yes, we like to argue, but with our dates and boyfriends, it’s in a friendly way, not a confrontational way.

If you’re on a date with a lady lawyer, and she argues with you about a minor point (you: “I’ll have Absolut vodka;” her: “Do you really prefer that to Grey Goose?”) it’s not necessarily because she’s being bossy or because she actually wants you to switch to Grey Goose. It may just be her way of making conversation. And she may actually find it charming if you (unlike her opposing counsel) just say, “Yes, I do” and order the Absolut rather than debating the merits of Absolut versus Grey Goose with her.

3.  The flip side of our tendency to argue and criticize is our ability to be sensitive and empathic.

Lawyers are trained to see all sides of a situation. Believe me, this can work for you as the boyfriend of a lawyer. It’s hard to be judgmental when you can’t help but see a situation from every angle. Did you forget it was Valentine’s Day? Your lady-lawyer girlfriend will be more likely than your average woman to view the situation logically and understand the “mitigating factors” (stuff that makes your “crime” less bad – you had a really busy week at work, you had a fight with your best friend the night before, etc.) And since many lady lawyers work long hours, they often cut their boyfriends and husbands slack for missing “personal deadlines.” This isn’t to say that a lot of us aren’t very romantic, but as a lawyer, you can’t help but develop a logical streak.

4.  However, lady lawyers who work long hours at demanding jobs tend to be less forgiving when their boyfriends are casual about time or scheduling.

Show up on time for your dates. Don’t cancel them at the last minute. Don’t make a habit of canceling them, period. Lady lawyers generally don’t have the luxury of being casual about their time.

5.  Relatedly: lady lawyers worry that guys view us as “Type A Hardasses” and prefer more casual, less intense women.

This leads to insecurity and can have weird, unpredictable effects. Some lady lawyers will put on a “fun” act in the early stages of dating. While it’s always good to put your best foot forward when you first meet someone, it’s never good to be fake, and attempts to feign “fun” can come across in a strange way. And this is a source of insecurity, even for lady lawyers who never feign “fun” (because they know they are actually “fun,” in their own serious way!), and who have been told by guys that being a female lawyer is hot.

In sum: dating a lady lawyer can be very rewarding, especially if you’re looking for a real relationship.

Justine Borer is a family and matrimonial lawyer practicing in New York City. In her spare time, she loves to write, act, do pilates, and spend time with family and friends.
  1. I don’t agree at all. Had bad experiences dating both female lawyers and doctors. If you can, try to avoid those professions, specially medical doctors. Two of my brothers were married to female doctors and their family lives didn’t turn out so great after all. A close friend of mine
    who is a real mench, was married to a female lawyer, and they’re now divorced…

  2. Ms. Borer left out three critical things about dating female lawyers. (And I’m speaking as a lawyer myself, who was married to a litigator and also dated a regulatory lawyer long-term.)

    (1) Understand that she’s trained to gather information by asking questions. Don’t assume that she’s “questioning” your ideas or your behavior just because she’s asking you a lot of questions about it. Even if those questions seem like a trap to you. In many cases, this is actually a good sign: she’s interested enough to want to really understand your thinking or your motivations.

    (2) Lawyers’ training to see all sides of an issue, while it may make them more accepting of your foibles, as Ms. Borer suggests, also makes it harder for them to commit. If “it’s complicated” is the way a woman views all relationships (and not just the truly complicated ones), then she understandably will be less likely to jump into things than another woman might be.

    (3) Lawyers are good at rationalizing. (It’s another aspect of arguing all sides of an issue–If you can come up with a plausible justification for either a yes or a no answer, then you can convince yourself that either answer is acceptable.) This can be both helpful and harmful in relationships. But it’s more likely to be hurtful if you’re not aware of this tendency.

    But overall, I say go for it, especially if you want someone to truly engage with you, to stimulate your mind as well as other parts.

  3. I quite agree. I believe female lawyers need real mature men and also very understanding. Before going into a deep relationship with professional female, either lawyers, doctors, politicians, News casters, one has to put lots of things into consideration. And the bottom line is what doesn’t work for Mr. A will work for Mr. B. We are different individuals and see things differently

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