Nothing makes your week better than three consecutive OCD-induced nervous breakdowns during three consecutive days. Actually, when thinking about it a little, anything that will ever happen to you during your entire lifespan will make your week better than three consecutive OCD-induced nervous breakdowns during three consecutive days.

I don’t want to go into the details of what caused these, because there is always a chance that if I pretend to be normal for another 14 years, somebody will like me enough to marry me and mother my future two girls and boy. I don’t want this potential mate to read this and then not become my potential mate. I need those kids, because my parents need grandchildren, and my youngest sibling is now an adult. Also, I need a source for power trips, and cats don’t work because they will always hold the power. However, I hold the food. I could always starve them to death, but there are always laws and guilt and the smell. Good lord the smell. I’ve never killed a cat before. I just imagine that all of those factors would come into play if I did. Also, I’m not implying that I will in any way abuse my future children. I will just intermittently and subtly exert my power by, for example, not using fabric softener or showing up to their school naked. Just kidding. That’s obviously against the law. I will always use fabric softener.

I’m really just hoping to get through the day tomorrow without any sort of massive breakdown. My weekly diet ends on Friday, and I can eat whatever I want. All I have to do is constantly eat until I pass out and wake up on Sunday. Then I can watch MSNBC’s Lockup until work on Monday morning. There is nothing like gluttony and Lockup. It’s like eating a steak in front of a homeless person. It’s terrible.