How to Change Your Perspective so You Can Find Love_Header

I’ve been coaching singles on dating for years and I often see how the dating process brings up fear, anger, grief, pride, and even shame. This is normal! Finding a life partner is a confounding process, especially when you add in all the rejection it can entail.

But while that’s understandable, I wanted to explain how each of these feelings may actually be a level of consciousness with its own attractor field.  I’m going to draw from the work of Dr. David Hawkins here.  He wrote Power vs. Force and detailed a “Scale of Consciousness” (through kinetic testing) that represents logarithmic calibrations of levels of human consciousness from 1-1000.  The significance in his scale lies not in the number itself, but in the relationship of one number to another.  It shows how our consciousness rises, as the numbers ascend.  Although his work focuses upon our spiritual evolution, I’m applying it loosely to dating.  I’d suggest reading his books to learn more.

But for the purpose of describing how your emotional state affects your dating and love life, I’ll cite the numbers (from his Scale of Consciousness) of these emotional states so that you can try to pinpoint where you are and how this may be affecting your love life. What follows are 10 states of consciousness as they affect dating:


1. SHAME (20)

When you’re in a state of shame you feel humiliated and don’t feel that you’re loveable when dating.

2. APATHY (50)

You feel hopeless about dating and are in a frame of mind where you no longer care if you find a mate or create a loving partnership; you tell yourself it will never happen anyway.

3. GRIEF (75)

You’re in a state of pain based on regret from the past. Maybe you had a bad breakup or feel sad that dating has not gone well? Your heart feels broken as a result. People at this level often feel depressed and past loss colors their future.

4. FEAR (100)

You feel anxiety that you’ll never find anyone and are frightened that you will end up alone.

5. DESIRE (125)

This is a craving to find love. You may feel an urge for physical intimacy and the high of romance, or the status of having a significant other. You desire these things in order to feel normal.

6. ANGER (150)

You don’t feel that you’re treated right by the opposite sex so you sometimes feel hate, aggression, and maybe even vengeance when it comes to dating. This stems from a frustrated want.

7. PRIDE (175)

In this state of mind we like ourselves, but it’s dependent upon outside things, like being a certain way and having a particular status: power, money, etc. And often, if we see ourselves this way, we look for these qualities in a mate too. Pride can become arrogant because we think the world, ourselves and others need to be a certain way for things to be okay. It can appear demanding instead of loving.


Acceptance means you’re in harmony with your dates because you can be with them as they are (at least, for the time of your date).  You aren’t very judgmental and don’t come in with a huge agenda of expectations, so people feel comfortable being themselves with you. Hawkins says that at this level, love is created within and can’t be given or taken away.

9. REASON (400)

At the level of reason, you use your higher mind and wisdom to date, not just your hormones, unconscious patterns, emotions, or ego. As a result, it usually is less dramatic and goes more smoothly.

10. LOVE (500)

Interestingly, Dr. Hawkins says that only .4% of the world population actually has this level of consciousness. He describes love as the ability to be in a state of giving and acceptance, as well as having the ability to see beauty in everyone.  Here we create from the love in our own hearts; it’s less about the other person having to be a certain way for you. You see the other person’s essence and it’s inclusive.


The first step is to notice which level of consciousness you’re approaching dating from right now, and then to try to raise your level of consciousness. This doesn’t mean you will get married immediately, it just means you can choose to relate to potential dates from a higher state of consciousness.

Everything is a vibration and like attracts like. So, who are you attracting in your current emotional state? How might it look different to date from a place of acceptance, reason, or love – instead of from these lower states of consciousness? What might you create then? How would this look on a date? Where do you slip up and why?

Take a moment to journal about this and resolve to change your perspective! This concept or exercise makes dating a process of spiritual growth where you grow in love, whether you meet your perfect life mate right away or not.

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a psychologist and the author of “Dating from the Inside Out” and “When Mars Women Date.” She also works as a love coach and runs groups on dating and relationship issues in Manhattan. Learn more at: and
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