So, Josh (no, I’m not psychic, but like 85% of male JDaters are named Josh), you’ve been on JDate for three months and only had three dates, and only one of those girls looked anything like her profile. And then she never texted you back after the date! What’s going on here? Could it be that you don’t know these top secret ways to attract the Jewish girl of your dreams? Let’s remedy that right now with this quick and easy guide to a Jewish girl’s heart.

1. Play It Smart

Jewish girls like smart guys. So, lead with your intelligence in your profile, and on the date. This does NOT mean bragging that you went to Yale Law. (Well, if you went to Yale Law, mention it. But not any other law school. I mean, Yale Law is impressive. But I digress.) It doesn’t mean bragging at all. It means making sure that your profile is as well edited as the work you turn in at work or in school. It means making sure that you read the paper that day and have interesting things to talk about on your date. It means leave the scatological humor and the stories about your drunk roommate for the second date. Or never.

2. Mind Your Manners

Jewish girls like nice guys. This doesn’t mean be a pushover. It does, however, mean that you need to be considerate, kind, and honest. On a date, ask what she likes to eat before making a reservation. Don’t push for sex on the first date. In your profile, mention that you are a good guy and like to treat women well. You may think this should be obvious, but it isn’t, and you’ll distinguish yourself from the pack by being a genuinely good guy.

3. Just Do It

Jewish girls do not like wimps. Did Judah Maccabee fail to lean in for a kiss at the end of the date out of nerves or anxiety? If he acted like that, there would be no Chanukah, my friend. If you are at all attracted to your date, and you’re not shomer negiyah, go for the kiss. This will NEVER ruin a date that was otherwise going well. It can only make her MORE interested. A girl is never like, “I was totally into him until he kissed me. That ruined our connection.” I cannot overstate the importance of not missing the window for a girl to consider you as a romantic option. If you miss giving her a kiss when she was receptive to kissing, you’ll be mentally placed into the friend zone, from which there is no recovery, much like the Bermuda Triangle. (Side note: if you both realize there isn’t a spark from kissing, it’s better to know this sooner than later!)

4. Limit the Shots, Bro

Jewish girls do not like you to get wasted on the date. Don’t be a drunk mess. This isn’t fun for her. She will place you in the same category as whatever frat guy vomited in her dorm room that one time in college. And you don’t want that. Because drunk mess guys do NOT get the girl, unless she too is a drunk mess, and what would your Bubbe say about her then?

By the way, as you might have guessed, these tips apply to all girls, not just Jewish ones. So Josh, feel free to forward this article to your friend John (when there’s an H he’s not Jewish). Now that we’ve got that out of the way, why don’t you message the cutest girl you can find on JDate and put my tips into motion? You’ll have a hot Jewish girlfriend in no time, and then your Chanukah present to her can be cancelling your JDate subscription. (Just kidding. Get her a real gift too.) Good luck and happy JDating!