Dear Dr. Psych Mom,

I’ve been texting with a guy almost every day since the beginning of summer. He mostly initiated the texts, and we rarely call each other. We live a few hours apart and I would occasionally go see him. We’ve gone on a few dates, but that’s the extent of our relationship. Everything was going really well… until he flipped a switch.

We never established if we are boyfriend and girlfriend, and recently we haven’t been talking much at all. These days I am the one to initiate the conversation and it goes well, but I haven’t asked him why he doesn’t contact me anymore.

Should I be honest and open with him? Or brush it under the rug and move on? How do I know if I’m being tested to see if I have feelings? This is all new to me!

-Distressed Dater



Well, DD, I am assuming you’re in your early 20’s.  Here’s how I know: every girl in their early 20’s wonders about this stuff.  What you need is some tough love from me, who is old enough to be your much older sister:

1. Men rarely test anyone to see if they have feelings.  Men do the following: state their feelings, and then ask yours.  This is in a best case scenario, however, where you actually find a man who wants to talk about feelings at all.

2. If he doesn’t call/text you anymore, he’s not interested.  I mean, in theory, there are shy people, but once you are even in a very casual relationship, and you’re the only one who’s initiating contact, that is not a good sign.  As in, it’s a very bad sign.  Plus, we know he’s not shy because he used to text you earlier on.

3. If someone has stopped contacting you (unless it’s someone with whom you know 100% that you are supposed to be in a committed relationship with), don’t confront them about it.  That is just going to suck for everyone.  Just move on.

4. Do you know how many guys are going to be super into you and texting the crap out of you?  A lot.  You are young.  Be done with this pseudo-relationship.

5. If there was some strange reason he was angry at you or something, when you stop contacting him, he would probably contact you and tell you after a few days.  So, don’t worry that you’re prematurely ending a relationship by stopping contact.  If there is any interest or emotion on his end at all, he will contact you after it becomes evident that you’re not going to contact him anymore.

6. Just for the future, early 20’s readers, here are some other things young women think about obsessively, and ruminatively, for hours each (which I know because I thought all of them)h:

A.  There is nobody out there for me except X. (Wrong)
B.  Nobody will ever understand me like X does (Wrong)
C.  If I keep contacting X, he will remember why he liked me (no, he’ll remember to block your number)
D.  X is just scared of commitment (that may be true, but that’s like saying X is “just a crack addict” — don’t make this your problem)
E.  X is scared of how much he likes me (X is actually more scared of how much you like him)
F.  If I sleep with X, he will see just how awesome I am (that’s true, he will see how awesome you are… at sex. In the vast majority of cases, though, you can be super awesome in bed and he may still not want to be in a relationship with you.  So have sex with him if you want, but NOT because you think then you’ll end up in a relationship.

This is a good rule: Before marriage, only have sex when you want to.  After marriage, have sex half when you want to and half when your spouse wants to.)

I hope this was helpful.  So, go out to a bar on Saturday night and smile at someone you think is cute.  You only live once and you deserve someone who is texting you every waking minute. Well, not quite that much.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Remembers Dating, It Was That Thing Where I Got Drinks In Exchange For Listening to Guys Talk.

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One Comment
  1. Hello Psych mom,
    I am a LOT older than D.D.
    A Lot!
    But I am now divorced after a long marriage. I also had no idea how men reacted to women and how they can just “disconnect” with no explanation.
    Women new(er) to dating of whatever age need to heed your advice and realize that men ARE from Mars and women from Venus. Way too different. I have stopped trying to find out why some stop contact. Then all of a sudden some come back. But many times by then I am not interested anymore.
    A somewhat old fashioned book but that really tells it like it is, and worthy of reading for “dating newbies”is actually “Mars and Venus on a Date”. DD, please try to read it. Gives you a good insight into men’s different psyche.

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