Before I was an online dating coach, I was an online dater. A bad boy with a guitar and tattoos always got my heart racing, but when it came to settling down, I realized that nice guys made better spouses. It took launching my own initiative, ‘Operation Date Nice Guys,’ to make sure I was taking the time with men who did not have a ‘wham-bam-thank you ma’am’ plan. However, some naughty guys lay it on thick in the beginning, but turn out to be a wolf — or more specifically — a dog, in sheep’s clothing. Ready to date a nice guy of your own? Here are five signs you’ve found a true-blue mensch:
1. He hasn’t been online in weeks.
Even if he checks in ‘just to see his messages,’ he could be biding his time with you until something else (better) comes along.
2. You communicate outside of texting.
Advances in digital communication have become a great way to string someone along and make them think they are an important part of your life when you’re really just wasting time while sitting in traffic. If he picks up the phone to actually call, or even better, wants to see as much of you in person as possible, you have someone special on your hands.
3. He takes action on the things you tell him.
Most daters (and people in general) spend less time listening than they do waiting for their turn to speak. If your guy not only heard that you love Cuban Coffee, but also emailed you a link to the best place to get it in town – or better yet, brought some to your next date – he’s golden.
4. He follows through on what he says.
Any charmer can say, “We should do this again,” then text you to see if you got home okay. The real men are the ones who say, “I’d love to take you out on Friday” when you’re still on your first date, then call the next morning to tell you what a nice time they had last night and confirm plans for that upcoming date.
5. He’ll stick with you.
If a man invites you out with his buddies, but stays at your side the whole night, he’s one to watch. The way you’re introduced makes a huge difference too. If he calls you his lady, girl, girlfriend, or the like before saying your name, that’s a keeper. If he introduces you by name and his friends react as if they’ve heard about you before, it’s also a good sign. If you’re only referenced by your first name and you only hear, “Nice to meet you,” he’s probably done this before.
Bad boys are a dime a dozen but a good man is worth his weight in gold. It’s time to give the nice guys a shot. Trust me, when you’re changing diapers at 2 a.m. and he offers to take the next shift, you’ll be glad that you did.
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I am way past diapers. How does one distinguish the good guys at 60? Many have learned the outside manners, but I’m not sure how the “every day” life will go.
I totaly agree with your nice guy thing the problem is all girls,no every girl says they want a nice guy to fall in love you know -but the truth is girls want a challange. Nice guys are seen as phony or weak not dominating, not good looking enough or they can get better. almost every girls say the same thing on every profile then they end up with a jerk get dumped or do the dumping and go to the next jerk. Just my experence I am a good looking nice guy.
I am a nice looking woman with a lot of hobbies and interests. My non-negotiables are being Jewish and must be kind, thoughtful and sincere, i.e. very nice man. I was married to a Narcicist . This time I am only hanging with very kind people. Best of luck.
Mrs. D
If only the girls that you write to would actually pay heed. Being what I would love to call myself, A Mench, and at the same time, A Dog, I am sad to say that time and time and time again, women simply don’t respond to the Mench the way they do the Dog. I have to admit to being a student of Pick Up artists, and take no shame in the admission. When I try yo impress a woman that I am fond of with the Mench roles, I get nowhere – fast. When I play Dog, I get dates, kisses and more if I continue to play Dog, but when I start playing Mench, it ends. The more demeaning I am, the more crappy I treat her, the more raunchy I am, the more I get a positive response. With one exception (after 35 years and hundreds of first dates and the exception not being my former wife of 20 years) the statistics just hold out.
Before my nuptuals, a friend and I tried to figure out what we were doing wrong in getting dates. We noticed that girls, at that time, were hanging around gay guys to try to convert them. After going to a new venue, we started fawning over each other and it was like honey to a swarm of bees. Both of us married after finding our true loves, and both of us started off treating the women pretty badly. These women were the ones that transformed from lover to friend. To them and those like them – damned few though.
What Men and Menches know about women would fit in a thimble with plenty of room left over. What Bad Boys and Dogs know about women seals deals and leads to relationships. It is hard to go from “friend to lover” but even more difficult to go from “lover to friend” so that a relationship can blossom.
Go ahead women, prove me wrong. On behalf of all true men that truly want relationships, I soooooooo wish I were.
hi sam, i prefer the dogs. theyre a lot more fun, i learned from them, i am now told i have the personality of the man, in a relationship. its what men tell me, i am cool, i think like a guy…. lol….its safe and easier and i never never get hurt. so, yeah, i dont mind if i am dating a narcissistic dog of a guy, we get along, no one is hurt, we both are playing our own game, with our own agenda. i dont need nice men, i used to be a nice girl. now i just know i will hurt a nice guy, and theres enough good left in me, that i will never intientionally hurt a non narcissitic man again. its not right.
There is a trend for established people to have committed relationships without living together. There is too much at risk if things do not work out. This way you keep your own space and your assets are never imperiled, but you have a companion for events and travel etc.
Good luck keeping yourself interested if the guy tries to make a date… on the date. And then calls the following morning… reeks of desperation.
A lot to be said for a challenge.
Thank you for your article,
I enjoyed it very much and I would like the courage to reach out to take mr right by the hand and walk the rest of our life together side by side.
Shadows from the past keep me from moving forward.Do they really exist?
Thank your for your encouraging words.
What Scott and Sam say is absolutely true. It’s a shame. Ms. D, what you wrote here is accurate, but your words, time and effort are wasted. Because women, by and large, will not respond to it.
To Suzin … stop projecting your own hangups into the guy’s head. You have no way of knowing whether he’s really desperate, or not. Simple as that. What’s the risk, Suzin? What if you were to assume that he’s not desperate? What is the worst thing that could happen?
As one of my friends who read this said “I say about zero percent of the women would never hold their standards to this”.
Sorry, Ms. D. it’s direct, but sometimes … the truth hurts.
I agree 110% with Sam and Scott. The women on these sites want the Josh Holloway/Tom Cruise/Donald Trump combination (bad boy/looks/money). Anyone telling you otherwise is lying. I’m about to give up on these site all together since the dates I have gotten from them haven’t amounted to a lasting relationship.
As much as I want to believe this article, I just can’t bring myself to believing it. If there are women on here who genuinely want that Mensch, they are either very good at hiding that fact, or even they simply don’t match what I am looking for.
Keep in mind every person on here has the right to determine what sort of person they want to be with. However, in my experience, I had the best chance of success when I broke outside the mold, threw caution to the wind and simply put, acted like a Dog (like Sam did).
The first time I joined jDate was about two years ago. At that time, I managed to have a few relationships, probably because I didn’t act like a Mensch. In those relationships, I was brazen, I was bold… I was not a total jerk, but I definitely didn’t follow the advice that was listed above. In one case, the woman told me point blank at one point that she thought she was starting to fall in love with me and started to ask me leading questions like where do I see our relationship in a year or more. At that point stupid me decided to return to Mensch mode and in less than two weeks, we had “the talk” where she decided that things were just not working out and I never heard from her again.
This time around I have gone out on a number of dates, two of which will be etched in my memory for the foreseeable future. In both situations, they seemed to go rather well; I got positive vibes from both; they both acted like they liked me or at least thought there was some potential. Their body language definitely said that they felt some sort of attraction at which time we started talking about plans for a second date (always a good sign right?).
That’s when things started to fall apart with each. Both women decided to call it a day (night) and we said good bye. I wrote each one saying I had a nice time the following day and surprisingly they wrote back. Initially their responses sounded positive – each said they had a nice time (good), that they thought we had a lot in common (great), BUT neither one thought we would be a good match. The only thing I can possibly say at that point is that I acted like a mensch with both of them and both clearly were turned off by my nice-guy like behavior.
It really makes you wonder what they really want. They may say it, but the sad fact is that they sure don’t act like they mean it and sadly, probably never will.
Women want a guy who is confident but not a jerk, emotionally available but not a wuss. Walk that fine line and you’re golden.
compassionate and looks at you while speaking. EYE contact is very imprtaht. If yo can’t look at me when speaking–not on my list
I think it is obvious from these responses that this is just not good advice. Women won’t admit to it, but they do not want nice guys. They just don’t. My advice … you have to really force yourself into a mode where you resist the temptation to be nice if you have those tendencies. I just got out of a 6 month relationship where I finally trusted her around month #5 and started to reveal more about myself and some of my vulnerabilities (especially since she had been doing the same). A month later, she dumped me. Biggest mistake of my life and it will never happen again. Don’t do it guys, it doesn’t work.
I am not sure about all women, but as for myself, I don’t think that women don’t like nice guys, I think women like guys who are confident and attractive to them. Probably similarly to the way guys like women.
There’s no conflict between being confident and strong, and being a nice guy, as described in the article.
It probably is a little bit pushy to propose a second date, although it does depend on what’s been said up to that point; maybe it’s already been implicitly established that there will be a second date.
There’s a difference between “getting dates” and finding a lover and companion. No one wants to be with someone thoughtless and selfish. Being strong and confident doesn’t have to mean that you are resistant to the prospective date; it means that in areas such as work and your general life direction, you are clear and firm, and working toward accomplishing your goals.
I have only read these comments today and have to agree with the guys, women are attracted to the (dog) initially but if they continue seeing the guy then what they want is (the mensch). It’s a fine balance knowing when to go from one to the other but the only advice i have is be yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea and eventually you do meet someone, however it maybe not online.
Being a mensch doesn’t mean that you’re a doormat or a vintage prince charming or have no boundaries or self-respect. You can be a mensch and at the same time be cool, elusive, inscrutable, hip, sexy, etc., and not be defined — by yourself, or others — as a wolf or a dog or a player. A mensch does the right thing. Period. That’s where they get their “cool.” (And when he fails, he admits it and actively improves/doesn’t make the same mistake next time.) Most mensches are active contributors to/leaders in their families, their communities, their friendships, which include opposite-sex friendships. Their behavior is not about getting laid or other purely self-serving goals. It’s about the greater good and respect. Self-respect and respect for people in general.