I think my predilection for not using phones and refusing to answer emails out of indolence has caused anybody who at one point was thinking of befriending me to rethink their choices in lifelong platonic companionships.

Any non-sexual relationship that I have made with any woman since I was a teenager has been crushed by either my laziness or by the fact that I eventually become attracted to any woman that I spend an inordinate amount of time with and with whom I am not related. Of course, this excludes doctors, McDonald’s® employees, and most dental hygienists.

Anyway, I think I am beginning to sense the repercussions of not ever answering my phone or replying to email. I am starting to feel more isolated. However, on the rare occasions that I do answer an email, bad things happen. For example, I answered my cousin’s email last week, and two days later, I overslept past my alarm by ten minutes. This is not just coincidence, nor is it my beaten, obsessive mind trying to find relationships in unrelated, everyday occurrences. Now, I feel that I am on the brink of really losing people.

I have to make a call.