Have you ever wondered what it would be like to spend an evening with a matchmaker and watch them work their magic in a crowd? I recently had this opportunity with matchmaker Janis Spindel in Manhattan. Janis Spindel, of Janis Spindel University (JSU), offers a program to a select group of women who act as students of Janis as well as “characters” out of her book in the real dating world. I thought it would be interesting to do a mini version of JSU with Janis and spend an evening watching her best practices and tips of the trade.
Janis was able to go up to tables full of men and have fluid conversations with all of them about a variety of different topics. I was amazed at how well she could walk up to any group of men with such complete confidence. She taught me that, above all else, confidence will always be a woman’s #1 asset. Janis has coached many women through JSU and is now sharing what she believes to be are the biggest mistakes that young women make when meeting someone new.
Not all of us are able to spend an evening with a matchmaker 1-on-1, so here are her best practices and tips for you!
What to avoid:
-When meeting someone new, do not appear needy, desperate or “over the top.”
-When following up with someone after a first meeting, do not appear aggressive. If he texts you first, do not send back a bazillion texts—send back one response for every one text he sends you.
-Stop leading! Think cavemen style as men still want to be the hunters. Even though it is easy to approach a group of men if you are confident, let them approach you first and then let them follow up with you.
-Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words! Take everything a guys says at face value when you first meet him. Even if he promises you a trip to Tahiti, wait until he follows up with you about the trip before you go messaging him inquiring about travel arrangements.
-Don’t be needy! Don’t talk about an ex or wear your heart on your sleeve. No one wants someone who is on the rebound or who is visibly looking for love. If you come off too strong or obsessed with someone else, why would they want to get to know you? It is a sign of disrespect and no guy wants to be bothered with that.
-Don’t talk so much. Don’t open up your mouth so fast about unnecessary information. Respond to questions you have been asked rather than volunteering unnecessary information about your life after just meeting someone.
-Let him take charge. This is one of the toughest concepts, especially for young women, to grasp. If a man makes a commitment to see you again, let him follow up with you on the commitment. Under no circumstances should you go out of your way to message him to follow up on the plans. See if he is capable of sticking to his word, which is a sign of character.
-Learn the difference between dating and a relationship. Figure out if you are looking to just date, or if you want a long-term relationship, and stick true to your core. First things first! First you have to date someone and get to know him before being in a relationship, NOT the other way around.
-Newly single? Get your act together! Instead of spending time looking for someone to heal your broken heart, spend time doing some serious soul searching and working on yourself. Do nothing! Make sure your frame of mind is clear before dumping your garbage on someone new.
-Watch out for liars. If a guy is lying to you within the first few minutes of meeting you about something small, such as what school he went to, chances are he will lie about much bigger things down the line. Yes, you heard him right and you are not hearing things! Trust your intuition, and if you are being lied to already it is time to walk!
If you have the opportunity to work 1-on-1 with a matchmaker, I would highly recommend it. The best part and the worst part are exit interviews. This is when the matchmaker calls the people you have met that night and hears first-hand the “unedited” version of what they thought about you as a dating prospect. Although you may hate what you hear, in the long run it will save you a lot of time. Don’t kill the messenger and take this as a real opportunity to save yourself time. When else would you get the opportunity to learn why he never called you back? By working with a matchmaker, you get to hear the truth. If you do get called back, you get to hear why and in addition to all the other things that you did right! Time is an incredibly valuable asset to all of us and if you have the opportunity to nip these dating faux pas in the bud early, it is better to do it now rather than four years from now when you are looking to meet the love of your life!
Janis, a former fashion executive, has always had an extremely entrepreneurial spirit. Prior to becoming Cupid on Call to the world’s power elite, Janis was the proprietor of 9 retail locations of “Mommy and Me.” As the president and founder of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc., Janis specializes in pairing up attractive, well-groomed, well-educated, upscale, professional, single people all over the country.
Kristen Ruby is the President & Founder of Ruby Media Group, a Social Media Marketing, Public Relations & Personal Branding Agency. Follow Kris on Twitter @sparklingruby or via her blog.
Incredibly well written article! I wish I would have gotten the invite for this night! You have grown into something so great!Continue growing & Mazel Tov!