Hi Tamar,

I’m feeling a little hopeless and any advice would be a godsend. I paid for a JDate membership not long ago and began emailing people like crazy. I put thought into the emails, making sure to include bits that caught my eye from their profiles and keeping a light, conversational tone. I see when someone has opened the email, and they go on to look at my profile, but no one responds!

I’m not sure whether it’s my profile, or whether I’m simply not attractive enough to email the people I’ve been emailing. I suspect part of the problem has to do with the fact that I’m a 5’2” guy, but I’ve emailed enough women so that at least a few should respond, all else being equal.

Please HELP!

-Short & Sweet


Dear Short & Sweet,

All else is not equal, unfortunately, but that doesn’t mean your height should be a problem. Lucky for you, Jewish women are not exactly known for their stature. In fact, the generalization is that the majority of us are petite – good things come in small packages, right?

The secret to being a happy shorty (or a baldy, or having a schnauz, or being zaftig, or whatever physically interesting trait one has), is to embrace it and find some humor in it. Own it. Remember “Fat Amy” in the movie Pitch Perfect? She called herself “fat” before someone else had the chance. It’s like that – addressing it up front minimizes any possible impact. You can even steal one of the puns I’ve used here for yourself. Once you’ve put it out there, it takes it out of the equation.

That said, what – or who – you’re looking for may be impacting your success on JDate. Some women will have no problem with a man their height or even a bit shorter, but I encourage you to seek women shorter than you – and I promise you there’s plenty of Jewish women under 5’2”! You can even mention in your profile that you believe the shorter the girl, the sexier she is, because chances are, the five-foot-tall woman is just as aware of her (lack of) height as you are about yours.

If it gives you a sense of comfort, all of my guy friends under 5’6” have all found women their height or shorter and are now married. And none of them had a *ahem* shortage of women to date. So now that your suspicions of height being the problem have been exhausted, let’s address the rest of your email.

Attraction is subjective, everybody is somebody’s type, so don’t put too much emphasis on your looks – or whether or not someone thinks you’re attractive enough. There are women who will find you attractive and not even think twice about your height. And since dating is a numbers game, then you just have to keep doing what you’re doing sending thoughtful emails.

Review your profile and your emails again, and make sure you’re not coming across too eager or too aggressive. Additionally, make sure you’re not choosing to mention tidbits of information from your prospect’s profiles in your emails that are too obvious. Does the woman have stunning blue eyes? Then mention her glowing smile. Discuss the fun things you have in common and ask her a question pertaining to one of those commonalities. At this point, don’t put any pressure on her to accept a date or provide her phone number, simply make the connection. And keep that email short and sweet.

Tamar Caspi is your go-to-gal for all your dating dilemmas and Extreme Profile Makeover requests. A syndicated Jewish dating advice columnist since 2008, and JDate Expert since 2010, Tamar is currently writing the Bible on Jewish dating and finding your Beshert. Email Tamar to ask a question, vent about being single or get help creating your profile.
  1. I feel ya buddy. I have the exact same reaction on all the dating sites I’m on. I can’t blame it on my height, because I’m 5’9″. It’s not what you’d call tall, but it’s not short either. I’m good-looking, interesting, and intelligent, though perhaps a bit boring at times? I’ve been going about the internet dating just like you, and having close to zero responses. On rare occasions, I’ll get a positive response, write back, and then her profile disappears. It’s very disconcerting. It might be related to the imbalance of genders and attention that one receives over the other. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I’m starting to think this online stuff is for the birds.


  2. I have the opposite problem, I am on couple different dating sites I don’t understand what is going on but I have a theory. One site I have had 420 women looking at my profile I have quite a few that want to meet,
    I have emailed a number and they just write short sentences back , they want to meet they tell me all sorts of things that guys like to hear. Then the music dies and no more contact. One woman said she wanted to be more than friends then she stopped writing. My theory is that they are scamming, and the website gets these women to contact you, get the adrenalin going and you sign up and that is it.

  3. While there is much truth in what Tamar wrote, there is a lot left unsaid. From my experience (and I am 5’8″) is that the height “bias” stems more from the women than from the men.

    There probably are a number of reasons why that is, such as being with a man who is shorter makes some women overly self-conscious. Perhaps it is an indication of a woman’s own self-image; specifically, does she seek approval from external forces rather than from within herself.

    In other instances, perhaps a women does not believe (whether this is even conscious) that a man who is not taller than her is not adequate; not only as a lover, but more so, as a provider.

    That’s is why when many men and women see a tall woman who they either know or believe is in a relationship with a man shorter than themselves, those people believe the man already is a very successful man who has used his wealth (plus any fame and notoriety) to attract such a woman (who often is much younger than himself as well as taller).

    Of course, this is not an exact science, so don’t go by what I write as these are only my observations and how I have represented themselve to me.

    In closing, what I would have liked to have seen Tamar write is whether she has male friends who are in successful relationships with women who are taller.

  4. I have the same reaction. I’m not short. I received email from women when I ask to meet them the emails stop in quite a few cases, and same happen on emails that I initiate. In my opinion woman that are not interested in dating should not put their profiles on Jdate. I wish there would be a way for Jdate to eliminate women that are not interested in dating, and just put their profile to get a thrill out of it.

  5. I agree with Michael and Stephen. I’m 6’3 and also experience either a few emails then the girl stops responding of disappears, or just simply am viewed and ignored. I don’t think height has anything to do with it. I think there is an image that is being looked for, and if you’re not EXACTLY that image, you’re just another click of the NEXT button. The problem with online dating is that we’ve become material objects in an online catalog of items, and everyone’s shopping cart is empty because no one wants to “check out”. The mind set is “if I just wait a little longer, ‘the one’ will come on this site and I’ll be able to meet him/her and get outta here!”. Sadly, I’ve been on these sites for years, contacting the same women, trying to spark just enough interest that we can meet up and go out for a date. But the years keep flying by and the girls that were in their 20s are now in their 30’s approaching 40 and are STILL on these websites waiting for ‘the one’. No one gives anyone enough of a chance and its too easy to just stop responding or ignore someone. So for all intents and purposes, height holds not more weight than weight. Everyone is looking for PERFECT. The solution? Meeting people the old fashioned way… In person, through friends, at social events, etc. Good Luck Everyone!

    The lonely Giant.

    1. Dan,

      all men in all circumstances get a mixture of interest and disinterest – that part is true. Men also outnumber women ten to one on most dating sites hence women will filter and stop responding if something better comes along.

      Short men on many dating sites however are bluntly told not to get in contact either in profile texts or using ‘minimum height fields’ where those do not exist women do the same thing manually. I experimentally changed my height on a dating site to six foot and the rate of response went up nearly twenty-fold.

      There is a clear issue.

  6. I am a 4 foot 10 and a half inch 43 year old male forget about getting any dates.

  7. This solipsistic answer is a textbook case for why men should NEVER ask for or listen to dating advice from women. Nearly all women in their fertile years have more dating/mating options than they can handle. With so many men competing over them, of course women with a physical imperfection still get plenty of dates, simply by virtue of being young and female. Tall/short, fat/thin, whatever, their physical/personal quirks don’t matter. But since the women do all the choosing and tend to choose the same 10 to 20 percent of men who fit the mainstream media image of desirability, men with imperfections are ignored. The imbalance is compounded by matrilineal descent, which means that for all practical purposes, for a Jewish man, finding a Jewish spouse is a need, whereas for a Jewish woman, a Jewish man is only one of many options and choices. If there is a Jewish option for men who are not top 20 percenters, it must be a) to find a non-Jewish woman who is willing to convert, or b) reverse-assimilate into a very Orthodox community. Good luck.

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