What’s worse than being sick? Trying to make someone like you while sick. You try to put your best foot forward, but you can’t stand up because you’re so lightheaded and your equilibrium is so off that you immediately fall down when you try.

The worst is trying to convince a woman that you’re not some horrible, sickly thing all the time. Your nose is constantly running and you’re sneezing so loud it takes you back two feet every time you walk one. You can’t get that close to her because you’re scared she’ll be grossed out when really she’s been grossed out since you knocked on her front door with your disgusting, contagious hand.

If you’re sick, just delay any plans that you may have with any woman. Just stay home. It’s not worth it. You need to get better before any new person you’ve never met before should see you. Either that or go out only if you’re on a lot of prescription medication. Numerically, you need to be on at least seven. Actually, no. That’s a terrible idea. Stay home. No matter how great a person you may be, it will be clouded by phlegm and mucus and sweat. If however, you develop a sickness during a date, you obviously can’t bail. Try to talk as little as possible. Actually, that’s a good rule even if you’re not sick. Nevermind. I tend to talk a lot, and I’m still single. Though you may not be able to listen much because you’ll be too focused on how disgusting you are, at least you can pretend. I’ve pretended to listen my entire life. Again, however, I am still single. Just nod your head a lot and keep drinking a lot of beer. If anything, it will help you forget that you’re sick and the fact that you probably won’t be seeing this person ever again.