I am currently on a diet, and just recently hit the benchmark of sixty pounds. Is that a benchmark? I don’t know, because I’ve never lost any amount of weight ever before. People say that weight loss often accompanies more energy and less depression. I have experienced neither so far. I am just as sluggish and sad as ever.

The other night, I had to walk up and down a set of stairs twice, and was completely winded by the time I got up the second time. The all too familiar scent of watered-down over-perspiration from years of malnutrition and the body akin to an out-of-shape werewolf came back to me like I was obese all over again. I had flashbacks of horrible dates and Big Macs® which came flooding back in an instant, and I instinctively got in my car and drove to the neighborhood McDonald’s®. I was halfway through the drive-thru when reality kicked in and my sweat-induced hallucination came to a very quick stop as I crashed into the car ahead of me.

Now, not only will my insurance premiums go up, but either one of my parents or one of my siblings will have to know that I was at a McDonald’s®. It is a very good thing that none of this actually happened (after losing 60 pounds) and I just made it up because my life is empty.

In a related story, I am about to go to a wedding this weekend where I will be reunited with a very nice girl that didn’t want more than one date with me after I ruined it by being myself. She is in charge of the food at this wedding, and it’s kind of a coincidence and it might be glorious.