Stop Talking to Your Ex_Header

So everyone, including your mom, your sister, your roommate, all your friends, and even your horoscope for this month, agrees that you need to stop talking to your ex. They all think that this person is no good for you, that they don’t really care about you, and that if you keep talking to them, you’re not leaving yourself open to meeting other people. Despite knowing on some level that everyone may have a point, you continue to text your ex, meet up for drinks, and even cancel plans with other people (available people who want to date you!) when your ex wants to hang.

You insist that you’re “just friends” now, but in the back of your mind, you may be hoping that everyone is wrong, and that they are “The One” after all. I mean, you guys met the first week of college in the dining hall. You both reached for the sweet potatoes. How can you just throw away a meeting as cute and fateful as that? You can almost see it on the “How We Met” section of your wedding website. With a picture of a sweet potato.

I am here to tell you: Get your head out of the root vegetables and think deeply about this relationship! What is it doing for you? And possibly more importantly, what is it not doing for you? Without further ado, here are 10 Signs You Should Stop Talking to Your Ex:


10. He Forgets Plans

If you’re honest, he forgets plans pretty frequently, or even all the time.

You: Hey, I thought you were coming over tonight to see a movie.

Him: Oh… Sorry, I thought that was a different day. I’m going out with the guys tonight.

You: (Expression of sorrow that he ignores.)


9. She’s Dating Other People

Is she going out with other people, but telling you they don’t matter to her? And maybe you’re assuming this means you’re the only one who does matter? Yet, she’s not really saying this either, is she? Hmmm, she doesn’t say much that’s definitive at all, now that you think about it…


8. He’s Only About Drunk Hook Ups

So, he wants to hook up with you, but only when he’s drunk. You deserve someone who tries to grope you when they are sober too, you know! (No one ever said I was appropriate…)


7. No One Compares to Her

Do you find yourself comparing new women to her in ways they can’t possibly win?

Ok, yes, it was really sweet when she brought you snacks and coffee during finals week senior year. But, to be fair, when did RockinRachel1989 from JDate have a chance to do anything like that? You just went out with her that one time, and you cut it short because your ex texted you from a bar across town and “really missed you.”


6. His Friends Suck

You don’t like any of his friends? This is a problem because he picked them for a reason! Why would he be friends with a bunch of jerks? Because he wanted to reform them? Or because he found his kindred spirits? Offhand, I would say the latter is the more logical guess.


5. You’re Still Wondering Why

Let me guess, you never spoke about why you broke up. And you never discussed anything about the fateful day that you caught her flirting with that other guy and then stormed away and changed your Facebook status. In fact, you both just kind of avoided this topic ever since you started hanging out again. But, if this was heading into something serious, wouldn’t she have tried to clear things up by now?


4. You Feel Insecure About the Whole Thing

Do not text your ex if you never feel secure around him. Maybe it’s that he’s always texting with… well, you’re not sure who. Or that he compliments you but it doesn’t seem altogether sincere. Or he forgets things like where you work now and what exactly you do there. And what your major was. And your middle name. Also, he looks past you and around you when you end up at the same social events. You just don’t get the sense that he finds you all that interesting, unless you’re the only one around.


3. She Flirts with Your Friends

This should be self-explanatory. And no, she’s probably not “just kidding around, so chill out.”


2. He’s Pretty Self-Centered

Do you ever find yourself saying, “Yeah, he’s a little self-centered… but in a cute way!” And then you think to yourself, well, maybe it’s not that cute.

There may be a problem if he only likes to talk about himself, his job, his classes, his friends, and his interests. Watch out if the more you laugh and nod, the more animated he gets – but when you change the topic to you, his eyes go as dark as the menorah on the 9th day of Chanukah. You don’t want to wind up sitting through his movie choices month after month when he refuses to see The Fault in Our Stars just this one time. (It’s especially bad if you were secretly hoping he would think it was totally like the two of you!)


1. She’s Not There When You Need Her

Even a friend should be there through thick and thin, never mind a friend that you’re secretly hoping is your soulmate. And this girl isn’t. That time you lost your wallet? It was your roommate who comforted you and helped you figure out how to call your credit card companies. When you were sick? It was your sister who made you soup. You know, if you think about it, it’s possible the last thing she did for you was bringing you those stupid snacks during finals week senior year!


There you have it. If you nodded your head in recognition when reading at least half of these items, you know what you have to do. Text your ex saying you think it’s time to move on. Then write back to Joshinator1989 on JDate and see if he’d like to see a romantic movie of your choosing, you emotionally healthy dating machine, you.

Dr. Samantha Rodman PhD is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Maryland, and a happily married mom of three sweet/demonic kids under 4 1/2. She is also a big fan of JDate and is, in fact, an ex-JDater® herself. Visit her blog, Dr. Psych Mom, visit her on Facebook, and tweet her @DrPsychMom with any relationship questions you may have!
One Comment
  1. Re: Dr. Rodman’s 10 signs,

    Regarding the description of someone who is not sincere, above, and why not to continue contact: it was good and complete except for one other thing. I would like to see a description of someone who claims love and uses the word and gifties etc. to keep another in a holding pattern. Someone saying that they love you a lot or uses the word a bit too much; but their behaviour seems not to match it?
    Saying the word love not only doesn’t make it so; it can be worse than not if it’s not a sincerely meant intent. That’s a really hard one.

    Thanks for the article!

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