Sit in the back and do not say a word until you leave the karaoke bar.

Keep ordering and drinking beers with your friends until you are completely confident that you are the best singer in the place. Don’t worry about the 60-year-old woman’s hauntingly beautiful rendition of Sarah McLachlan’s Angel. You could totally destroy that crap with your version of Limp Bizkit’s Nookie.

After killing it, you walk off the stage like you own the place. You mistake people’s polite ‘please leave the building’ smiles for silent ‘your version of Limp Bizkit has restored my faith in humanity’ smiles. You assume that the cute waitress is now ignoring you because she is so nervous and no longer knows how to say, “Beer?”

You drunkenly text a girl you went out on a date once. She has to hear you sing Metallica tonight. I learned a good tip the next day. If you do send a drunken text to a girl, do not include the word Metallica. If you’re going to piss her off, at least have the decency to include some sort of good music. For example, a drunken text that simply reads the Beatles’ probably can’t hurt much. “The Beatles,” she’ll think. “They’re pretty good. I should probably go out with this guy again.”

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