You’re up all night urinating.

A good measure of a man is how he handles a bad situation, and if that was the only measure of me as a person, I would be the human equivalent of a Comcast customer service representative.

Everything brings me down. I can’t make lemonade out of anything! When life gives me lemons, sugar, and water, I throw it back at you and punch you in the face. Every minor setback is a year-long uphill battle out of a hole that I never completely climb out of. If I get in a fender bender, don’t try to talk to me for at least two weeks. My bumper has a slight scratch on it that may have been avoided if the guy in front of me had decided to not stop suddenly for no reason! I can’t have any of that!

So today, when I realized that the button had fallen off of my boxers, that was it. My day ended at 9 am. I couldn’t focus on helping people… and walking… and opening doors… and whatever else my routine requires when there’s no button on my underpants! Where is this button? Did it fall out in the wash? Am I wearing somebody else’s underwear? If so, why do they have my name inscribed on the side? And if somebody else has my name, how do they have access to my home? So I called my locksmith, because apparently I have my own locksmith, and this joke scenario is now over.

If I could only move on from minor setbacks, I would be so much better of a person. However, it is always an uphill battle, and setbacks are always going to happen. Some people just roll with it: “Alright, so there’s no button on my boxers? I’m running for president tomorrow, son!”

I just need every possible thing in my life to go right for the rest of my life. But really the only way for that to happen is to react positively to the things that don’t.