Ever feel like some Jewish traditions just aren’t relatable anymore? The Haggadah is one area where Jews have tried taking a modern approach by customizing it for a targeted audience. A quick perusal of the Passover Haggadahs available on Amazon.com reveals a multitude of thematic Haggadahs, including:
- Family Haggadah
- Children & Family Cartoon Haggadah
- 30-Minute Seder
- Orthodox Haggadah
- The Baseball Haggadah
- A Hip-Hop Haggadah
- Haggadah for Christians & Jews
- Animated Haggadah
- Survivors’ Haggadah
- Musical Haggadah
- Monk’s Haggadah
- Medieval Haggadah
It seems that every conceivable interest group has its own version of the Haggadah, except one: daters. That’s right – there is absolutely no version of the Haggadah for those of us in the dating world. Yes, I was shocked, too. But don’t panic, fellow Hebraic daters, for I have already begun to take concrete steps to fill this unbelievable void. Allow me, if you will, to share some excerpts of this work in progress: the “Haggadah for Daters.”
The Haggadah Prayer For The Dating World
So what makes the “Haggadah for Daters” different from a traditional Haggadah? First and foremost, this one will be much shorter because, frankly, those of us in the dating world get a bit antsy spending hours and hours with relatives we barely know reminiscing about events that happened in 1300 B.C., especially when we could instead be – yes, you guessed it – dating.
So, for example, while a standard Haggadah prayer would be something along these lines:
Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, who, in His goodness, feeds the whole world with grace, with kindness and with mercy. He gives food to all flesh, for His kindness is everlasting. Through His great goodness to us continuously we do not lack food, and may we never lack it, for the sake of His great Name. For He is a [benevolent] God who feeds and sustains all, does good to all, and prepares food for all His creatures whom He has created, as it is said: You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. Blessed are You Lord, who provides food for all.
Meanwhile, the Haggadah for Daters version would be a far more concise and suitable:
Hey, Lord, here’s a big high-five for the yummy grub. We really appreciate how you nurture us just like my girlfriend (or boyfriend) and I nurture each other. You rock!
Passover Questions For Singles
Obviously, the Passover Questions need some re-tooling for those who are dating. So, I went from this:
- Why is this night different from all other nights?
- On all other nights, we eat either unleavened or leavened bread, but tonight we eat only unleavened bread?
- On all other nights, we eat all kinds of vegetables, but tonight, we eat only bitter herbs?
- On all other nights, we do not dip [our food] even once, but tonight we dip twice?
- On all other nights, we eat either sitting or reclining, but tonight we only recline?
… to this:
- Why is this man (or woman) different from all other dates?
- On all other nights, we complain about or make fun of our relatives, but here we are pretending to enjoy their company?
- On all other nights, the conversation centers around what we can’t wait to do to each other, but tonight it’s all about thanking some invisible presence in the sky?
- Just how frisky can we get under the table without anyone noticing?
The Plagues Of Egypt vs. The Plagues Of Dating
The Plagues of Egypt are another element of the Haggadah that needed a little tweaking, in my opinion. I think you’ll agree that the actual plagues are not exactly dating-oriented:
- Murrain (infectious disease affecting animals)
- Death of the firstborn
But the Plagues of Dating are far more relatable to us singles:
- Restraining orders
- Shotgun weddings
- No income
- No humor
- No car
- No home
Haggadah Songs Revised For Daters
Last but not least, there are the wonderful Haggadah songs, such as Dayenu, the traditional Passover song about being grateful to God for all of the gifts he gave the Jewish people. A sample of the actual song:
If He had split the sea for us, it would have been enough.
If He had led us through on dry land, it would have been enough.
If He had drowned our oppressors, it would have been enough.
If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years, it would have been enough.
If He had fed us manna, it would have been.
The daters’ version of the song takes a slightly different angle:
If he had taken me to Santa Barbara for that romantic weekend, it would have been enough.
If she had changed her Facebook status to “In a relationship,” it would have been enough.
If he had cooked that aphrodisiac dinner for me, it would have been enough.
If she had sent me a list of 100 things she liked about me, it would have been enough.
If he had accompanied me to the ballet, even though he was playing video games on his iPhone, it would have been enough.
Well, you get the idea. The traditional Passover Seder is certainly beautiful, but when it comes to being relatable for daters, it needed a little improvement. Hopefully, the “Haggadah for Daters” is one small step toward that goal. Up next are “Hanukah for Daters” and “Purim for Daters,” two more options for making Jewish holidays more enjoyable for singles everywhere!